So who am I, really?
I wasn't sure for quite some time but things are different now.
For many years I was a young and innocent kid living in a adult world, not sure of anything and pretty much scared of everything. Then I met a man who I thought was my soul mate and went on to marry him and have his three children (well, actually I had my own three wonderful children who sadly sometimes take after him!). And so life seemed good for a while but I came to realize that this man was controlling me and manipulating me. In fact I feel that he changed me into someone that I really didn't like very much. If I had been more sure of myself going into the marriage I probably would have seen this much earlier but I didn't realize it until 15 years later when I had truly become a horrible shadow of my former young innocent kid self. I was once happy and energetic and laughed a lot. I realized one day that I had become miserable, angry (mostly at him, but also at myself) and fat and sick. I had developed terrible anxiety, deep depression, multiple autoimmune disorders and food sensitivities, and on top of all of that I was beginning to feel the hormonal effects of peri-menopause. AAAArgh!!! So I filed for divorce from the man that I once looked up to but now despised intensely. The man that used to make me laugh til I cried but now made me cry myself to sleep every night. The man who fathered my beautiful children but who I felt was raising them to be as narcissistic as him. A man who at one time supported me emotionally and financially but who had become vindictive, jealous and spiteful of my ability to have a career and a family life. Since he had molded me into the Pilates guru I had become, I guess he was more than pissed when he was served the divorce papers because his source of income might become a little warped and he might actually have to get off his lazy butt and do something for himself. oh please stop me...I'm getting angry and going off on a tirade. But that's not me anymore. I'm not mad now. I'm just a little sad. I'm sad because my kids have not seen a healthy parental relationship and they might make similar mistakes when they venture in to the dating and marriage game. Thankfully there's a few years before that will be an issue but still it makes me sad. I'm also a little down because I did not realize one of my lifelong dreams of having 4 kids. Although I have 3 beautiful, smart and (considering the turmoil of the past few years)extremely well adjusted children, my heart from an early age was set on having 4 kids. Of course it would have been 2 boys and two girls because fairy tales happen, right? Yeah well. Here we are at 48 years old re-inventing the fairy tale. There's a little more realism and less fairy tale. I am finally beginning to understand what makes me tick and what turns me on. I always thought I knew what that was, but sadly I was mistaken. I am also older and wiser about finances and business, so although I regret the lost years with the man of my (bad) dreams, I am grateful for the lessons I learned. I am able to take the knowledge gained and rebuild my life after marriage. This is also life after a Pilates teacher training business (he gets to keep PIA after the divorce) and I am now able to re-invent the real me. The real Frankie. Stay tuned for more insights, thoughts and great info from the recovering wife and business partner of a borderline personality disorder, alcoholic and narcisstic ex.
